How To Be A Certifiable Douche At A Show

Everyone who goes to a heavy show knows what they’re in for: The strong possibility of getting punched in the face, kicked in the mouth, or tossed in the air to the touch of a thousand groping hands. If you’re attending a heavy show, you pretty much sign that unwritten waiver that you won’t be a pussy about it the second you walk into the venue. But this article isn’t about that basic principle. This article is about the show-goers who take things to the next level.

The one who arrives already too hammered to function.

SLC Punk - Liquor Store Scene

It’s cool to have some beers or maybe a shot or two once you’ve gotten to the venue to loosen up a bit. Everybody likes a good time. But when you arrive for the opening band’s set ready to throw fists at the first person who looks at you the wrong way, or lean on a stranger because you suddenly forgot that gravity was a thing, you’re on your way to amping up your douchey-ness to prime levels.

The one who shouts personal sentiments at the band that you think are funny but literally amuses nobody else.

SLC punk - cool cool,,,fuck you

The go-to for this one is typically something like “More Cowbell!” or “Jonny Craig, have my babies”. Bonus points if you’re a dude belting out that last line.

The one in the pit who knocks into people who are clearly not trying to pit.

SLC Punk, Why We Fight

If you step in to mosh, great! The more the merrier! But if you’re that one dude doing cartwheels and ninja kicks to the girl on the very perimeter of the pit who clearly doesn’t want your foot in her face or her PBR kicked out of her hand, you’ve graduated to the next tier. Congratulations, you’re a douche.

The one who talks way too loudly in between sets so everyone around them is forced to listen in on their pointless, narcissistic conversation. 

SLC Punk

There’s conversation that occurs at normal decibel levels, and then there’s conversation that turns into “let’s see how many people I can get to pay attention to me if I shout loudly enough in all directions”. We get it, man. You’re too cool for regular volume and we really can’t wait to hear about the last time you almost got to talk to Ben Bruce about your pet cat for five seconds. Make us jealous. We’ll only love you more.

The ones who start shit for no reason.

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 3.38.28 PM

Probably the best example of this was the last time Senses Fail played Webster Hall in New York City. During the band’s slowest song of the night, two rowdy douchenozzles decided to get into it and make a high school locker room teen drama scene. The key here is they made their move at the most unexpected moment. A seriously fast rager? No way. Let’s get drunkenly mad at each other during the ballad.

The overprotective boyfriend.

bob and trish

If you and your girlfriend are at a show together, she probably knows what she’s there for. There is no need to provide a protective cage of pointy elbows around her to keep her from harm. You see someone who is about to punch her? Step in. Until then, let her do her own thing bro.

So if we’ve just described you, congratulations! You hit every mark! Can’t wait to see you at the next show.

But seriously, stop.

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